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Post by fitz01 on Apr 2, 2013 16:58:42 GMT -5
 WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?!- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL SECOND, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
Whoever you are, I hate you. I hate you with
every fiber of my being and I hope that, one day,
I won't be able to say that. But, right now, I hope
that you trip on a long stretch of concrete and that
lovely wound gets so infected that there's nothing
the doctors can do for you.
fuck you.
who do you think you are, talking about
people like you know them? like you honestly
are doing them a favor by being such a horrid excuse
for a human being? it's really not the fact that you talked
about me. i genuinely couldn't care less at this point,
but really? 'he's no brody'? you're an asshole who has
no clue what they're talking about.
tommy is ten thousand times the human being
you ever will be. he's incredible and you
are going to leave him alone,
or i promise you'll wish you had.
i don't know why i'm writing this like anyone else
is gonna see it. but i feel so much better.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 3, 2013 6:27:44 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL THIRD, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I can't sleep.
I've thought of the perfect analogy for when people ask about
legacies. "If the social groups at Easton were the German
Confederation, the legacies are Prussia." Yeah. I'm kinda proud of
myself. I don't know what the other groups are yet, but I'll
get us all down. One day. When I can be bothered.
Frankie and I talked about dating and marriage and kids
and stuff. It's weird, talking about it like nothing
has changed. Like Brody and I just broke up
because of irreconcilable differences. I don't know
that I'll be dating any time soon, but I've been told
that moving on in that way is something that will
happen eventually. And when it does, I'm going to
do things differently. I'm also going to do some things
the same, though. The only thing I can think of to do
differently is to not get so attached, so quickly. That's
hard enough, though, because, even though I've not
been very loving lately, I love people a lot. Too much.
And it's just, I dunno that I can keep it cool, even if it'd
help me in the event of the worst.
I do miss not having to sleep alone. The bed feels too big,
too cold to be the same one we shared. I miss the connection.
I miss a lot of things, and all of those things add up to him
and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm going to go visit his grave soon and tell him everything
that's gone on since he left. There's a lot and I think he'd
like being kept up to date on everything. Perhaps I'll go
Thursday after school. Yeah. I'll do that.
Ugh, I have to go to youth today. I don't want to not go
or anything. I love youth. I just, I don't know what to
say I believe for certain anymore. I know Brody's in
Heaven with his parents and with Uncle Frank and
Abigail and everyone. I know that no matter where
I go, I'm always loved. Maybe I do know what I
believe afterall. Maybe I just don't feel like I'm living
what I believe, like I'm supposed to.
Good Christians don't fight. Good Christians don't hate.
Good Christians don't curse. Good Christians don't wish ill.
I'm not being a good Christian, at all, but I'm trying. It's
just hard lately. I'm just so emotional, so sensitive and
I take it out on others and it's not fair to them and why
am I this way? I need to get a grip on this and on me
before I lose it again. It felt good in the moment, but
that's not what I was called for, instant gratification.
I'm trying. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
What if it's too late to atone for all the bad I've done?
What if it's too late for me to be 'good'?
What if God is supremely disappointed in me?
What if I never get better?
What if I get worse?
What if I end up pushing all of the people who care
about me away?
What if I die a cold, lonely death with nothing but
my dogs to mourn me?
New Christian shirt idea: a burning bush with the text "the original instant message" on the bottom.
Potential Mo Presents:
1. all the literary action figures (Shakespeare, Austen, Sherlock Holmes, and Wilde. Wilde looks like Willy Wonka, though, oh my gosh)
2. Batman money clip
3. Wooden catapult and trebuchet kits
4. Infectious disease balls (like a stress ball, only infectious)
5. Bacon salt? Maybe? idek about this one
I gotta start getting ready for school. Maybe I'll sleep during lunch and study hall or something. Or I'll write in here. Either one.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 3, 2013 22:43:19 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL THIRD, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
Today only confirmed what I've known forever: I am worthless with choosing things. I've thought and pondered and cogitated and cerebrated and absolutely everything I come up with for Mo's present just sounds good to me and most of them are equal on the 'awesome' scale. Maybe I'll just get him everything. You can't have enough cool stuff. Ugh, I have to ask him for his shirt size. Gotta think of a not-weird way to ask that. Maybe I can just ask Mrs. Carter Trish. Golly, she's funny. Her and her little hints, oh my gosh. I'm sure my asking for her son's shirt size won't help that at all. Oh well.
School wasn't completely horrific today. I think people are starting to realize that I'm not a five-year-old and that I don't need their pity or their phony support. I'm finally going back to my nothing-special status and it feels great. I really am getting sick of the looks from girls. I've been sick of them. But there's no use in whining about it now - it's stopping, however slowly. There were some not-so-great things about today, though. List time.
1. I had to go to the board in geometry and I did the problem completely wrong. No one out-right laughed or anything, but it was really embarrassing.
2. I realized in theology that I had started my period and had nothing in or on and I asked to go to the bathroom and the teacher said no. I didn't know what to tell her, because I don't want to just plainly say this kind of thing, so I turned around to go back to my seat and she stopped me and told me to take the hall pass and once I got in the bathroom, I realized that I had bled through. Ugh. Luckily you couldn't tell too easily, but I still had to go change my pants.
3. I got back during the start of lunch, but I wasn't hungry then so I went to a seat and just took myself a little nap. It was nice. No one bothered me. I don't know why I'm putting this on this list. Maybe this is just a run-down of my day list instead of a whining list. I like that better.
4. I started re-reading Thirteen Reasons Why in study hall because I didn't want to actually study.
5. We had a test over Ender's Game in English and I made 100%, which was really nice. I love that book, though, so, as cocky as it sounds, I'm not entirely surprised. It was just a nice respite from not-good things.
6. Kickboxing was kind of awful because periods. I could smell myself. UGH. I need to start carrying tampons or something because that's always awful. Always.
Some girls in the locker room asked me if I was "twelve or something". I'm assuming because of the little incident in theology, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm not sure what the purpose of it was, but they really didn't make me feel any worse than I already felt, so they suck at bullying.
I need to start making more lists. I think I will. DEAR FUTURE ELLA: WRITE AT LEAST ONE LIST EVERY ENTRY, EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. IT CAN BE ABOUT ANYTHING. JUST DO IT. LOVE, YOU. Hopefully just don't make it about school, though. Think of fun things.
List of potential list topics
1. Simple pleasures
2. Speaker-rattlin' jams
3. Various playlists
4. Cool animals
5. Best movies
6. People I care about
7. Stupid puns
8. Random thoughts
9. Worst candies
10. Overrated things
And youth was pretty alright. We talked about Isaiah 7 and it's as if the lesson couldn't come a better time, really.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 4, 2013 13:46:19 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL FOURTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I should have seen this coming. I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, watching the shadows waltz while every second pasts as if it’s an hour. The only sound I can hear is the sound of my own heart beating, which is far better than the alternative. All of this was coming to a close after only starting less than a year ago. Gareth and I had decided that it was time to move into a house together and I was excited to finally be rid of the cramped apartment life. The idea of having a garden, a white picket fence, and the ability to start our family with an open home full of light and love was more than enough to get me diving headfirst into this search. The first few houses we came across that looked promising turned out to be complete duds – the first, there was structural damage that would be costly in the future, the second had a crack in the foundation which lead the massive flooding, and the third was good as far as houses go, but the neighborhood was less-than ideal, so I kept looking. Gareth had left it mostly up to me, I suspect because I was going to be the one who was in this house most often, but I still felt like I owed it to him to run every house by him first, taking immaculate notes of every house tour I took, so that he might feel as though he were an equal participant in this decision. After searching for weeks, feeling the stinging of disappointment one too many times, I finally found a house that was in a very nice, up-and-coming neighborhood and seemed as if it could be structurally sound, so I scheduled a meeting with the owner for a tour immediately after seeing the picture. It was almost serendipitous that I had come across it because I usually would have never looked at a for-sale-by-owner, but I felt drawn to it.
Upon meeting with the owner, I found that he was selling it for far under what the other houses on the market were going for and he was even willing to pay the closing costs. This was odd; why in the world would someone be so ready to get rid of a house as spectacular as this one? Even with the financial end of the deal looking incredibly appealing, I took my notes as I searched every nook and cranny of the house. With two stories, four bedrooms, two baths, a kitchen I was already in love with, and a full basement, I was becoming more and more set on this place becoming where my new family would start. That night, I showed Gareth everything once he got home from work and he seemed fairly impressed. “If this house makes you happy, then I’m happy” was his response in the end, which was pretty irritating, but an answer I could accept. I was ready to be a full-fledged adult, complete with mortgage and gutters I had to clean out myself.
The papers were signed and everything was in order the next fortnight and I had never been so ecstatic. I had a place that was mine, a place where I could come after doing whatever errand it was that I had run last and relax. I stood in front of that magnificent eggshell house, excited to make it a home. We moved everything in and Gareth took to the basement, making it his ‘man cave’, complete with flat screen and game stations galore. I was happy to let him have that, just as he was happy to let me have my kitchen as I wanted it. I also intended to convert one of the bedrooms, the smallest one, into my personal library, a place where all of my books could line the walls in alphabetical order, by author’s last name and sorted by genre. I had even considered making my own numerical system and logging everything into a catalog, but Gareth thought that idea was a bit excessive and that I should focus my energies on things a bit more pressing, such as the state of the front yard.
The first night in the house was incredibly quiet, save the occasional creak and moan that was typical of older homes and Gareth’s deep breathing. The next morning, I was woken up by Gareth’s leaving for work – a kiss woke me, as one always did when he had to go to work – and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I was prepared to get down to business with this house, so I made myself a list of things that I wanted to get done and I planned on marking every single thing off of that to-do list within the week. First item of business: paint the kitchen. I had picked out a pale yellow color – ‘Sunflower’ – that I felt would be most pleasant, rather than the dull white that now coated the walls. I put a plastic tarp on the floors, lined the outlets, cabinets, light switched, and the French-style doors with painters’ tape and began to work. The only thing I could hear was my classical music coming from the adjacent room and the first hour and a half went by without any event. I had gotten beyond the cabinets and French doors and was working on the wall opposite the doors when I heard one open. I felt instantly disconcerted and I turned quickly, wielding my brush as though it were a knife, but no one was there. I had no explanation for it. Perhaps, given that the doors weren’t exactly new, they didn’t close completely and there was a shift in air pressure, I had told myself. It was as logical as anything else I could think of. Not being one to scare too easily, I soon soothed myself with the knowledge that Gareth would be home soon enough and went back to my painting. I wasn’t interrupted any further that day.
The next day’s chore was to start painting my library. The current color was a deep red and I primed the wall with a grey primer, but even that couldn’t cover it up. It would bleed through, but I was just as stubborn as that hue, if not more-so. It had taken me four coats of paint to cover it up, ultimately, taking up five days’ time just to lay that mildly horrific color to rest.
I genuinely have no idea where to go with this, but I gotta figure it out before next week ugh.
I love the name Gareth. When I have a son, the first one, he's gonna be Gareth. My husband can name our daughters, because I wanna name my sons all these awesome names. Maybe even Lleu. But, seriously, Gareth is a thing that's definitely gonna happen. It just will, alright?
List of names of paint that are pretty great
1. Teal zeal
2. Cumulus
3. Anti-establish mint
4. Strip tease (okay, so that's a nail polish color BUT STILL)
5. Baby blanket (.....you can't even have an educated guess as to what color this is, though. spoiler alert: pink.)
6. Adventure orange
7. Weekend in the country (IT'S BROWN)
8. Synergy
9. Arsenic
10. Dead Salmon
I wanna be a namer of paints so I can call a purple "Mauve Storm". And a yellow will be "Cornflower hair". And a brown, "Chocolate boy". And a pink will be "Abner". I'll just make a line of Hey Arnold! related paints. And then I'll move on to Spongebob and it'll be a beautiful thing indeed.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 4, 2013 19:40:20 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL FOURTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
DEAR YOU:
I thought we were friends. It was stupid of me. You said we were 'best friends', remember? Maybe my definition of 'best friend' is a little skewed - I mean, obviously we're not on the same page - but, last I checked, best friends told each other things, especially things this. huge. You should have warned me. This is entrapment. I would have told you if I were a psychotic bitch.
This is my two weeks. I'm done. I don't care about the who, what, when or why. I'm washing my hands of this, more importantly, of you and I hope you don't think you can come talk to me like nothing has happened. Maybe, one day, we'll be able to be friends. Maybe, one day, we'll move past this and stay in each others lives forever. Maybe, but doubtful. You lied to me. You lied to everyone. You stretched the truth in every way you saw possible and you manipulated people, scared people. That's a super shitty thing to do to people. Not that you care, clearly.
I told you everything. You have proven to me that people might not be worth it. All they do is leave or, in your case, breach your trust and disappoint you. Just, fuck you.
I still love you. I hate myself for it, but I do. I might not have been your best friend, but you were mine and that's not going to change as quickly as I'd like for it to. I wish I could threaten that you won't be in my heart for very long, that I'll drink you right off of my mind and you'll never enter it again, but I can't. I wouldn't lie to you. But I can promise you that if you happen to come back to this place that I won't be the same person you left.
I don't think you're a bad person. But damn if you didn't do a bad thing.
Please. For the sake of my own sanity. Never come back.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 5, 2013 14:31:07 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL FIFTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I keep thinking a lot of songs today. Like, not even the entire song, just a portion of it.
1. They say before you start a war
you better know what you're fighting for
Well, baby, you're all that I adore
If love is what you need, a soldier I will be
I'm an angel with a shotgun, fighting til the war's won
I don't care if Heaven won't take me back
I'd throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe
Don't you know you're everything I have?
2. Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives and we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe I've got a hero living in me?
I've gotta fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
3. When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide
4. The fox went out a chilly night
He prayed for the moon to give him light
For he many a mile to go that night before he reached the town-oh
5. As for myself, I'm just as well with something else in mind
Like
Blue skies and amber sunshine
As far as I can see
It's just me and my sweet baby
And that's just fine with me
I skipped school today. I don't want to hear anyone's commentary on Rose or anything that has happened. In the hallway, I could hear some girls talking about it and they started talking about how I just had to know about it too, that I was probably as big a part of it as Rose was because 'how can you live with someone and not know about that?' I guess I don't blame them for thinking that. It seems pretty far-fetched for me not to have known or at least had an idea. But I'm in no mood for it today. None.
I've finalized my plans for Mo's presents. And I am most excited. I hope he likes them. I know he'll say he likes them, even if he doesn't, because he's a good friend, but ugh. I just, I hope he does. After all I've put him through lately and after all the wonderful friendship he's given me throughout the years, he deserves a lot more than I can give him. That's true of many of my friends, really.
I really ought to finish my story for English. Ugh. No sé qué escribir. Maybe someone can read and tell me what to change or where to go from there or what's bad about it or if something's good about it. Maybe.
Frankie and I are gonna go to IKEA and cause a rumpus at some point and redo his room to look like a little old lady's room. I also need to get ideas for my own room because I just want a project really badly to keep my mind on something besides school. I was thinking maybe periwinkle with white dots for the paint job. That'd be cute, right? And I could get one of those platform beds that look super comfy. And maybe build some neato bookshelves. Yeah. Yeah, this'll be cool.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 6, 2013 1:38:59 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL SIXTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I have to go see her soon. Mama said it'd be good for me to, but I have a rough time seeing how. If I never see her again, it'd be too soon. There's just a lot I need to say.
1. You lied to me, by omission, which is just as bad. I genuinely can't believe you'd have the nerve to tell me we were best friends and then just renege. I'd rather you've told me nothing, let me assume we were just roommates and that was it. But no, you fooled me. Good on ya. Hope it was worth the laugh.
2. You lied to everyone. What, were we all just an experiment to see how much you could get away with? Was your hypothesis correct? You should be insanely disappointed in yourself for doing that to some of them - Poppy, did she matter? Did Astrid? I already know I didn't, but did anyone?
3. The most damning thing, beyond the lies and the deceit, for me, is that you knew and don't you dare act like you didn't because why else would you write that? 'Brody run'? You didn't do a single thing to stop it and for that, I just - I can't fathom how you live with yourself.
4. I don't want to know why because your answer isn't ever going to be enough for me. There's no good reason to do this. There's no good reason to lie and bully and there's not a thing you can tell me that will convince me otherwise. Those daddy issues of yours must be killer
I'm not looking forward to this. I have so many things I want to say, but the words I am capable of formulating aren't good enough. But I can't get out of it.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 7, 2013 5:37:16 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL SEVENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I am affected by you
I know I really shouldn't stay
I wanna know the way you feel
I wanna know the way you taste
I am affected by you
I'm so aware when you go
I'm not the one who's gonna save you
I'm just another girl you know
I can't wait until summer now. Then I'll be rid of most of these awful people. Maybe then things will calm down and everything can go back to normal. I can hang out with Frankie and Thatcher and Tommy and it'll all be kosher. I really ought to look into getting my license at some point. I already have my permit, I mean, but I don't care anything about driving when I can walk places. Plus, Mo's getting his driver's license soon and he said he'd take me places if I wanted. Options are nice.
People I'll Miss
1. Kit
2. Lyss
3. Astrid
4. Seth
5. Ev
6. Poppy
7. Santana
8. Rose
9. Fox
10. Cole
There's more, but ten is a pretty number.
I really wanna do a lot of things now. This is weird. Like, not party or anything - I still don't really feel like being around a lot of people - but personal, self-discovery kinda things, like take a dance class or something. I just feel kinda lost, which is weird to me. Brody was a pretty good part of my life, he was my friend for a good while, and his loss is pretty immense, but I didn't think I'd feel this way, like I don't know who I am anymore. No one ever warned against this. Oh whoa, you better fasten your seatbelt, here comes another list.
Things I Wanna Do
1. Take a dance class (hip-hop or salsa or both)
2. Write a short story that doesn't suck
3. Sing karaoke
4. Go to a musical
5. Start a garden at home
6. Re-do my room
7. Start exercising every day again
8. Paint something
9. Write a letter to my future self
10. Define some goals that matter
I can't sleep but I have no idea what to write about anymore. I guess I'll just go watch some Monk and eat some frozen yogurt or something. I'll probably write more later, no doubt.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 7, 2013 18:48:44 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL SEVENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I'm gonna stop looking back
Start moving on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on the ledge without any net
That's what I gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be running, when the sand runs out
I've been thinking of things I want as my epitaph.
Those things
1. She loved her Lord with all her heart, with all her mind and with all her spirit.
2. Out of sorrow God speaks to us best.
3. In God's care.
4. Love is eternal.
5. Our brief partings on earth will appear one day as nothing beside the joy of eternity together.
6. With all my love.
7. How beautiful life was to me.
8. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and loved today.
9. Dear little friend.
10. For those I love, I will sacrifice.
I don't quite know which one I'd want. But, should I still have this thing when I do die, family, friends, please, pick one of these. I don't care which. Just, pick one. I don't care what else I've said since. Listen to me.
I went to church tonight and it was just, so awe-inspiring. For the first time in a long time, I've felt love in that sanctuary. I've always been aware that people love me, but this was different. Like God was really there. It makes me want to do better than I have been doing. It makes me rue and lament every awful thing I've ever said, written, or thought and I couldn't be happier for it.
I have to go see Rose soon. I'm still not sure when, but, now, I know I can get through without being a horrible person. I hope. I intend to give her something back, but it isn't anything she shouldn't be expecting. I just, I need to work on forgiving her. It's harder than people seem to think it is. I realize we all make mistakes but this was something huge. This was something that took a lot of people out, emotionally, and it's awful. But I'd be just as bad if I didn't forgive her. I'm working on it. I am.
In other news, Randy Disher, you are an entirely-too-precious man. |: Get out.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 8, 2013 1:10:46 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL EIGHTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I don't want to go to school. It's become apparent to me that I'll probably be ridiculed for my now purple hair and I'm not going to be able to handle it too well.
That phrase, "words can't hurt me", is total bullshit. Words cut where swords and bullets can't and there's no amount of bandaging that can stop the bleeding. At least it'll be gone in a few days.
I spent tonight upset or trying to make myself not-upset. I was successful in my attempts, I feel alright, I guess. As okay as I was before. Not having a roommate who might accidentally walk in on my dancing around like an idiot might not be such a horrible thing after all.
I do hate being so alone. I want Rose. I want anyone. Actually, no, not anyone; I want Brody. But I can't have Brody. So it's like, what am I supposed to do? Be enough company for myself, I guess. I have Tardis and me. That should be good enough, but it really isn't. I'm not going to allow myself to bother people for companionship anymore, though. I was given ample time to be needy. Now I need to be independent. And not-selfish. I need to think of other people. Like most things lately, it's just hard.
God, my head hurts. It's that "i want to cry but nothing's coming out" headache. I'm not even upset about one thing in particular anymore. I think I'm just exhausted. Being here is exhausting and I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
They caught the killer. He was a teacher. I can't trust anyone anymore.
People I Trust Totally
1. Frankie
2. Tommy
3. Youth people
That's actually it. After Rose, I can't trust my own judgement. After the teacher, I can't trust the people who are meant to keep me safe. This sucks. I'm just a kid and this life is a nightmare and there's no waking up.
I'm so angsty. Make it stop.
I'm still a lot happier than I was. I guess that's a plus.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 8, 2013 17:43:25 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL EIGHTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
In my attempt to make myself feel better, I've discovered that I have an intense desire to be serenaded / serenade someone.
Appropriate Serenading Songs
1. In The Still of the Nite (as sung by Boyz II Men kthanx)
2. Wonderwall (a la UGA's Noteworthy)
3. I'm Yours by Ron Pope
4. Really, I'm just diggin number one to be honest.
If I ever have the chance to serenade someone with that song, best believe I'm going to get my snapping fingers and try to sing backup for myself as well. Unless I can get some dapper young men to help me along.
School kind of sucked a whole lot.
Here's Why
1. I definitely got comments on my hair. 'What did you do to yourself?', 'I hope you get your money back', 'That's really unfortunate.', 'Are you having a Britney Spears moment?' Go away. All of you. You think you're being cute, but, really, you're just being insufferable jerkwads who are so insecure with your own appearance you have to rip on me. So back on up.
2. I didn't do so well on my quiz in theology. I'm not too surprised, but it still sucks.
3. People kept talking about Rose. And then they'd look at me, like I would do anything to stop them. And it made me feel bad because, am I supposed to?
4. I was tired right after lunch because I actually ate something. Lord have mercy.
Mo's gonna come over and help me finish Donnie Darko tonight. I swear, he better not let me pause it, because, if he does, I'll never finish it. Ever. And that seems like a huge loss. I couldn't get through it because it kinda gave me the creeps, just a little bit. I don't know what it was about it, but all of the sexual stuff made me feel weird. Uncomfortable weird. The whole "I think about fucking a lot" stuff. Yeah, no thanks, that was weird. His stupid grin though, ugh. He was precious. It's not fair.
I miss a lot of physical things. Does that make me horrible? Like, physical as in kissing and stuff. It was just, really really nice and now, I can't do it and that kind of sucks a little. I mean, I miss Brody as a person more, just so we're clear, but those things were new and were nice and I miss them. I'm going to stop. I feel like such a shithead for feeling this way.
I really ought to finish my story. And practice my piano. Yeah. I should. But I probably won't, lets be real.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 11, 2013 3:57:44 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL ELEVENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
Lets do this thing.
Things I Like About Tommy
1. His humor
2. His faith
3. His caring for others
4. That writing thing he does is pretty neat
5. His intellect
6. His little smile
7. He puts up with me
8. His trustworthiness
9. He's pretty brave in his own way
10. He's his own person and that's also pretty darn neat
Again, there's more, but ten es muy bueno
And now he'll never get to see it. Nope. Never. Future!me, if you're looking back at this and don't remember, don't ever tell any one anything you like about them ever.
I have a playing test today and I wanna cry. I have to play the "Butterfly" etude, (Chopin's Etude Op. 25, No. 9) and I just, ugh, I'm gonna mess up and it's going to be awful. These STUPID detached octaves will be the death of me. Uuuuugh. If we didn't have to play in front of the class, it wouldn't be as bad. I don't get made fun of enough, I guess. So now the music kids will have something to rag on me about. Fantastic.
I feel like today is going to be horrific. Not just the playing test, but in general, which is a really crappy way to go into things, but I just feel this way. I hate that I feel this way, but darn if I don't want summer to hurry up and get here. I'm sick of school and of being in a constant struggle to stay ahead or, in my case, not drown. I'm not meant for competition like this, that's perfectly clear.
I still need to see Rose. She needs her necklace back.
Now that I've upset myself sufficiently, I think I'll just write more later or whatever.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 14, 2013 4:19:57 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL FOURTEENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
No one ever wants to talk about Brody. It's like he didn't even exist and it kind of kills me, for want of a better word. It eats me up inside because he was one of my favorite people ever and for him to just be seemingly forgotten, so soon, is just entirely unacceptable. So here we go.
Brody
1. He was my hero. Ya know, maybe he wasn't the running into the fray kind of hero, but maybe that's not the kind of hero I needed? He made me feel safe, all the time. Like, nothing bad can happen because Brody was there. And I miss that feeling a whole lot.
2. He was one of the nicest guys I have ever met. There was hardly anything that got him upset - like mad-upset - and even when you said awful things to him, he still treated you like you were his best friend. I envied that, I still do.
3. He was so smart. No one ever gave him enough credit for all the work he did. He spent far more time on his studies than I ever have, though I suppose that speaks to his tremendous dedication as well. And maybe he wasn't the top of the class, book-smart type, but he was intelligent about the stuff that actually mattered.
4. His hugs were A+. You could be having just, the worst day ever and a Brody hug made everything bearable.
5. He made me feel like I was enough. Like maybe knowing all the appropriate things to say in a social situation wasn't everything, that perhaps the way I speak isn't the only thing people focus on, that I was a beautiful person.
6. He was so precious. Just, overall - everything about him was precious. He was a handsome sir and, man, every time someone asked me if we were really dating, it was super awesome to say, "Yeah. He is going out with me."
7. "Baby". I miss that. I miss that a lot.
8. He was not only an A+ hugger, but an A+(++++++) kisser. This is turning out to be such a petty, not-heartfelt list, probably, but golly. Even the not-kisses were electric, alright.
9. He was so warm. Like a human space-heater. And cuddly. And comfy. And he looked so adorable when he slept. That sounds really creepy, doesn't it? But it's the truth.
10. He made me want to be a better person. He still does.
Gosh, there's so much more, but I'm limiting myself to ten.
It has just occurred to me that two of the most important people in my life are gone, forever. I didn't consider my losses until now. I mean, I definitely realized Brody - it'd be hard not to, ya know? - but Rose too. She's gone and she's never coming back. She may as well be dead too. That sucks.
I sometimes wish I didn't get so attached to people. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much when they leave. Everyone has to leave me, one day, and that rips me apart too. I think it'll hurt more when it's on their own accord, though. I could be wrong, because this hurts a lot, even if I got to say goodbye to both of them, even though I got to tell them both I loved them, it's like a pain in my chest whenever I think about them as "gone". Even though I've moved onto past tenses and have accepted the loss, I prefer to think of them as if they were still here, ya know? Is that stupid? It probably is. It just makes things easier.
I woke up with the sun
Thought of all the people, places, and things I've loved
I woke up just to see
Of all the faces
You were the one next me
You can feel the light start to tremble
Washing what you know out to sea
You can see your life out the window, tonight
One thing I miss, concerning the both of them, is actually having someone to talk to about, ya know, sexual things. I can't talk to Frankie without me feeling weird, I don't know if that falls under "anything" for Mo, so I'm left with you. And the Internet. But ugh. I just. I don't know anymore. Growing up sucks.
Oh yeah, I passed that playing test, but the teacher looked at me and shook her head. LIKE SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN ME. LIKE. WHAT A MIXED SIGNAL. I'm just, ugh, I'm done.
I'm going to go watch Monk. Gosh. This was really nice.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 17, 2013 0:59:07 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL SEVENTEEN, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
So, I'm reading 'World War Z' by Max Brooks and it's pretty rad. My favorite character so far has been this Israelite who just kinda rags on America and has a passion for Ethiopian food. It's so beautiful. Here's two examples of his wonderfulness.
Jurgen Warmbrunn
1. "Still, as one of your great national heroes used to say: "My spider sense was tingling""
2. "A lot of it was chaff, especially on the internet; zombies from space and Area 51...what is your country's fetish for Area 51, anyway?"
Also, why are boats regarded as female? The narrator interviewed this boat captain and it got me wondering that. I mean, I guess that's cool with me, sharing my pronoun with a water vehicle, but why? This is English - inanimate objects are neuter, gender isn't a necessity. This is something I have to look up once I'm done with this book.
"I turned to look at him and was surprised to see a white man, American maybe, or Canadian...no, he had to be American, his English was too loud." - Saladin Kader
It keeps mentioning ministries of stuff. The Ministry of Social Affairs, The Ministry of Health, what's with all the ministries? Are these things actual things right now in real life and I'm just ignorant? I mean, that's entirely possible, I guess.
Oh, gosh, the next chapter is titled "Blame" and the person he's interviewing is in Langley, Virginia. I sense that America is going to be blamed for something. It can't be the outbreak of the Walking Plague, but it could be not doing much, if anything, to stop it. America has a history of that mess, so, it makes some sense. And after a thumb through, most of the people he's interviewing are from American cities. Oh gosh.
I didn't think I'd enjoy this book this much. I was just reading it so I could go see the movie once it's out, because I like doing that, even if I hate the book, but this is pretty great. It feels like a real account of actual events and that's just, stellar. This is definitely something I'll need to ask my friends about, see if they've read it. Or if they wanna read it before I ask them if they wanna go see it. I am definitely seeing this movie and I hope it lives up to my expectations.
More on this book later maybe. If people say more funny things about America or if I get annoyed enough with a character. Saladin almost pushed me there because he was just so arrogant-sounding, but he was a teen when all this was going down, so I feel like maybe I ought to give him more of a chance before getting too annoyed. But yeah.
I hope you can tell by the lack of whining that school has been alright. It's going back to normal, kinda, and I'm feeling a whole lot better about things. So that's good news. Yay. And Mo's birthday's in a few days and his presents came today! I just gotta wrap 'em up and stash them where he'll never look. I still don't even know what we're gonna be doing, but it'll be fun, even if it's just Tommy, Frankie, Thatcher, and me.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by fitz01 on Apr 24, 2013 18:40:47 GMT -5
WILL YOU BE MY ANSWER NOWto everything ?! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - APRIL TWENTY-FOURTH, TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN;
I keep having a stupid nightmare. It makes me ill just thinking about it and I'm not sure why I keep having it. It's been going on for a week now and it goes a little bit like this.
I'm in a gas station, just standing in line to pay for something. There are always two kids in line with me - sometimes the gender changes, but it's always two kids - and we're not together because I don't know them. But they're alone, which is really weird to me. Anyway, we're standing in line when these robbers burst in with guns drawn. I put myself between the robbers and the kids and the burglars tell me to move, I think to get the kids, but I don't move. That's when I hear a loud noise and wake up.
I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean at all. It's scary. What if this is actually going to happen? Sometimes people dream things and then they happen, so what if this is one of those things? Ugh. It could just be a stress dream, though. Maybe the children represent my mental and physical health and the robbers are school and that loud noise is meant to represent finals. It makes sense.
Lately, life's been alright. People still treat me kinda weird, but I think they did that before. I really can't remember what it was like before all of the bad stuff started happening. Is that, well, bad?
Mo's birthday is rapidly approaching and he will never guess my presents. Never ever. Never ever ever. They're pretty friggin great. Frankie's gifts are super too. I might be biased, but Constantines know how to do birthdays correctly.
A girl told me I had "DSL" today. I need to find out what that is. When she said that, I just laughed like I knew what that meant but I really, honestly don't. I think it's an Internet connection, though. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I'm still reading World War Z and taking my sweet time because I don't wanna finish too quickly. That'd suck.
Now I'm really excited for no reason. Golly.
-ELLALU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [/color] did. mmkay? <3[/color][/size][/center] |
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