HOMESICK OVER WHOM - SETH

[EVERETT LEONARDO JEFFERSON]

Console me in my darkest hour

after being bailed out of jail by seth, ev decided he was going to ohio. it was time he faced his parents, one on one. or... two on two, since not only did ev give seth an option to join him, but he admittedly passive-aggressively made seth come with him. not that it took much effort. hell, if anything, ev wouldn't be able to get seth to stay in easton. regardless, it was him and seth on the very road just last month ev was driving in the same vehicle. the drive was relatively solemn, with one thing on ev's mind the few times he was awake. he had to get things sorted out with his parents. it was a big... cluster fuck, really. and quite frankly, ev was really sick of all the accusations and miscommunication. he knew what he had to do, it was just getting his parents to go along with it so they can have some civility while ev can have some space and time to get the money.

he was exhausted. the past two nights he had gotten no sleep. the first night, the news that brody had died came to him and his curly haired friend. ev had spent most of that night trying to support seth, trying to keep him calm and keep him from shutting down. unfortunately, the next day ev was arrested and taken away from seth. the shock from what his family had done and the guilt of being unable to hold seth in such a hard time kept ev wide awake the second night. he was bailed out, thankfully, as if seth had a sixth sense and knew somehow ev was okay with him forking over 1000 dollars, even after he said not to the first night. just enough time had passed, just enough time away from him when he was released. and since then, he hadn't stopped touching seth. most of the trip his hand was tucked up under seth's upper arm, sometimes it was resting on his leg or behind his shoulder. either way, by the time night had struck they were in ohio, but not close enough to ev's parents to keep going.

the first night was spent in the small, too-hard bed in the back of their vw camper. it was a little too ventilated for this time of year, and ev didn't think to pack a blanket of any sort. but with the small quilt they had, a couple of coats and sweaters, some sweat pants, and a few layers of socks on and each other, the night was just another typical camping night. except it wasn't. the morning came and instead of getting up and eating a fire-cooked breakfast, they simply zombied into the front seats and continued on their way.

it was as if no sleep was enough. ev constantly felt drowsy, nodded off in the passengers seat a couple of times, sometimes woke up abruptly from a small bump in the road. as they approached his old town, ev found himself less and less tired. he was running on co-pilot, barely able to respond to questions or any attempted talk.

and then, there it was. the town he'd spent five years in before being shipped off to easton where he met the very person driving him here. it was a spaced out town, no super tall buildings or shopping centers of the sort. mostly trees and the faint smell of agriculture fading into something more like car exhaust. the town itself reminded ev a lot of easton, a place where the people there paid too much to live there and where the kids couldn't wait to get out. it seemed so harmless at first glance, almost welcoming. but as they drove through the center of town, as they passed the familiarly dressed folk and the old buildings ev used to walk around to when he had anything better to do than be at home, a leaden feeling weighed down ev's gut. he began to shake as he did when his nerves were up. he fell quiet and looked around, jumping a little at any sudden noises but not flinching.

as the house came into sight, ev was still and ghostly in his seat. there was a great feeling of dread. why did he think this would work? his parents were two powerful people, much more powerful than he. ev was just a small, lost child with debt to pay and very little fight left in him. what was he going to do? he swallowed heavily, turning to look at seth. his hand flexed a bit before pulling it from seth's knee and he cleared his dry throat to try and speak. "i love you." was all he could say. a small, squeaky voice. one that almost pleaded for this to be over with, that begged for him and seth to just be left alone. and with a softness in his eyes and a firming in his lips as the closest he could smile, ev opened the door and headed off to face the two people he despised so greatly.

Convince me that the truth is always grey

template by eliza @ shadowplay

[seth phineas wright]

they say you've got to lose

a couple fights to win

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.tinypic.com/wb98wn.jpg');,true] ... Ev couldn't have stopped Seth from coming with him if he'd tried. Not this time. The last trip still haunted him; he still woke up sometimes, frantic, thinking he was supposed to be home yesterday. Only to find Ev right there, of course, safe in his arms. But after everything, after Brody especially, Seth was unwilling to let Ev out of his sight under even the most safe of conditions... and driving to Ohio to confront his parents, to get everything sorted out, after they'd gotten him thrown into jail - that certainly wasn't 'safe' in the slightest. That was the other thing; the being thrown into jail. After the hours spent desperately searching for bail money, after the way he finally had gotten it, after the sleepless night of separation anxiety... Seth just needed Ev. Ev was the only one he could still trust, Ev was the only one he could still be of use to. Ev was Seth's family, and there was nothing Seth wouldn't do for him at this point. Aside from leave him alone. Whenever he was driving, Seth gripped the wheel tight, eyes focused steadily on the road, face pinched and pale. He was forgetting what sleep felt like, again, forgetting how it felt to wake up well-rested and happy and content, slowly in the soft glow of morning. Forgetting what the world looked like when it wasn't half-caught in the sheen of a never-ending dream, when it wasn't all distant and confused. His words were reduced to the basics: "are you hungry?", "do you need a rest stop?" He didn't ask whether Ev was okay, because he already knew he wasn't. He didn't ask Ev how he was feeling, didn't ask him what he was going to do when they got to Ohio, didn't ask him about his parents. Ev knew, Seth thought, that he could talk about all of that if he wanted to, if he needed to, because Seth was always there to listen no matter what. That's just the way it had always been. Their night in the camper was cold, and Seth wrapped his body around Ev and did his best to shelter him from it. Having Ev in his arms, being away from Easton, Seth did get an hour or so of fitful sleep. But they were in limbo between one evil and the next, and so he spent most of the night blinking into the darkness or squeezing his eyes tight closed, mind reeling with incoherent thoughts. White noise. The second day's drive was just as silent as the first's. All Seth would remember of it, really, was asphalt and sky, the grumble of the engine, the hopelessness that hummed in the absence of the radio. He could barely bring himself to look at the place Ev lived as they drove through it. It gave off a generally pleasant, wholesome atmosphere, though vacant and somehow sad, but to Seth it was only a place Ev dreaded, a place that hurt him. He could almost sense Ev shaking in the passenger's seat, and he put a reassuring hand on his leg, glancing quickly and worriedly at him. He opened his mouth, maybe to say, "it'll all be okay," but the words choked in his throat because he didn't know that, couldn't know that for sure. And he couldn't lie to Ev; not even in an attempt to make him feel better. He hoped the familiar weight of his hand was enough, hoped Ev knew what it meant: I'm here, I love you, I won't let them take you away from me. Seth's eyes were glassy by the time they pulled up in front of Ev's house - like the closer they got to the people who were breaking his heart, the more Seth's heart broke for him. He may not have known any real love from his parents, may not have known what it was to have it taken away, but he understood the absence of it. Understood the feeling of wanting a mother to look at you, to hold you, to tell you she loved you and that you were safe, that you didn't need to worry any more. Seth would always be that child searching, and the thought of Ev being in that place, of the last traces of Ev's hope that he might somehow win back his parents' - his mother's - love fading... it made him almost unbearably sad. As Ev pulled away, Seth reached for his hand and grabbed it, giving it a tight squeeze. Nodding once. "I love you, too," he managed, and then he let him go. And prayed that the outcome would be different than what he was expecting. SOME WORDS , EV , n

table by california dreaming @ caution 2.0

[EVERETT LEONARDO JEFFERSON]

Console me in my darkest hour

the walk up to the house was stiff legged and numb. ev felt detached. his heart went back to his childhood memories. those awful, awful times. when he didn't realize when he was told to go play outside, that his parents were sending him out of sight to focus on junior. the soft, unusually green for this time of year grass on each side of the perfectly swept sidewalk where he lay out of boredom, trying to think of something to do. ev stepped up the steps of the house, staring at the towering white door in front of him. he swallowed dryly, reaching up and wincing internally as he rang the doorbell. the familiar do de doo doo on the other side of the door made the lead in his stomach thicken. someone was going to open that door, and they're going to see someone who certainly wasn't invited on their door step.

a few moments ticked by, ev's hand trembled on. his mind was slung back into thinking too fast. this wasn't going to work. he wasn't going to win this fight, not against both parents. what kind of brother is he? what does his parents say to junior about the brother he never really got to know? ev tucked his hands into his pockets, sucking in his bottom lip for comfort, as he did when he was having a tough time falling asleep. something familiar. all of the thoughts running through his head put him on high defense, he was ready to fight out the rest of the fight he had. and, he decided selfishly, if it came to the point where he had no more fight, he could always push seth in front to fight for him while he recovered.

then, he heard it. footsteps. and they were on the wood floor, with shoes. ev's insides trembled so hard he feared he might pass out or throw up. the door lock clicked, and the knob twisted and inside was a single person.

his mother.

and the trembling in his gut froze instantly. it was just his mom. behind her, there was nobody else. not even junior. and if junior was gone, dad had him. ev stared up at his mom, his eyes wide with surprise and fear and innocence. just mom.

her surprise to see him was mirrored, and for a moment it was like looking at himself. except of course, her hair was longer, her face was a little more tired, and she was wearing a rather expensive looking spring dress. but her face, the shape and the way it sagged with weariness was much like ev's. the droop in her eye and the little line between her eyebrows that made her look just as concerned as him. yes, ev took very much after his mother. and maybe that was why he felt so defenseless suddenly. his shoulders dropped a little and his lips parted. "m-mom." he felt his bottom lip tremble. all he wanted was to reach over and hug her, because his dad wasn't there and junior wasn't there and she was alone in this big big house. she had nobody, and when you have nobody you lower your standards for company.

after a couple of stutters and holding back sobs, ev wiped his eyes and managed to convince her to help him. she had just as much fight in her as ev did, it seemed. but who could blame her? she had an over controlling, judgmental, pig husband and and had a child that was just like him. if ev really took after her, then he knew she had to be worn out and unhappy, so numb over being bossed around. it saddened him that she never left his dad, that she never freed herself. and in a way, ev felt like maybe she did that for ev. maybe that's why they sent him off, because she didn't want ev to end up like her. stuck in this disgustingly controlled way of living, obeying the commands of a man not even worth spitting on.

his mother had retreated back into the house to change, and ev slowly walked back to the car where seth waited. he climbed into the passengers seat with a little more red in his cheeks, and his nose. his eyes were a bit swelled as he rubbed them with his sleeves and he let in a breath. "s'just my mom here. she's going to help." voice voice shook tiredly. "we need to go to the courthouse." ev waved one hand in the general direction of the courthouse, the other hand wiping his eyes again. he grabbed a water bottle and drank back his emotions.

in the quiet drive to the courthouse, ev had second thoughts. what if his mom just called the police? what if they were trusting her too much? ev kept his thoughts to himself, but he felt himself shaking again. the courthouse loomed over most of the town, if the trees weren't covering around it, it'd probably look a lot less appealing. people walked in and out of the large white building, with suitcases, with kids, with papers or with nothing. ev waited with seth in the car until he saw his mom on the stairs. one hand grabbed the handle to open the door, but he paused and his other hand grabbed seth's. "come with me." he said, his eyes pleading enough to not sound demanding.

inside, they came to an agreement (after maybe two hours of waiting, going to different offices, and slightly heated discussing). ev signed a paper saying he would pay them back by june 18th. of course ev doubted him and seth would even be in town for most of june, so he decided he'd pay them back before the deadline. part of him hoped his dad would be fine with this sudden news; that his son was out of the police's hands (that he no doubt called) and now a much more peaceful order had been made. another part of ev was ready to just sign the papers and get the charges dropped so him and seth could get home.

they all walked out of the courthouse together, ev watched his mom in the sunlight for a moment, walking down the many steps toward her car before bumping seth with his elbow. "d'you mind staying here for a minute?" he watched his dear friend carefully, hoping this didn't hurt him as much as he felt it could've.

ev quickly rushed down the steps, catching up to his mom and she stopped, looking wearily down at him. there was a worry in her eye, and ev knew it was because she had to tell her husband. ev stared up at her sadly, wishing he didn't have to have this done. "i'm sorry, mom. i'm sorry i did this." and she forgave him with a bit of a shrug, a mumble with no actual words and a turn to walk back to her car. "mom..." ev stopped her, stepping a little closer before holding his arms out. it seemed she hesitated for a moment but ev was used to hugs by now. he was used to going through with them with seth and that's what he was going to do with her. ev's arms wrapped around her, a painfully familiar comfort blanketing over his shoulders as she half heartedly hugged him back. her smell, the way she felt, her heartbeat. it was everything ev cried over in his nights when things were a little too lonesome, a hole nobody could fill but her. ev held on as long as he could, even after she'd tried to pull away. he hid his face in the crook of her neck for a moment, biting his bottom lip and remembering every little pat she gave his shoulder.

eventually, ev let go. his vision was blurry and his eyelashes stuck together and he checked to make sure he didn't get her jacket wet with tears. he didn't, and she turned before he could look in her eyes one last time. walking back to the car, ev felt unbelievably more defeated than he had at the start of all of this. because he was sure that was the last time he'd ever see her. he knew he'd never hug her again, or even get so much as a christmas card from her. he knew that was the last bit of his mom he could have as he watched her car drive around the bend toward the house he'd never go back to ever again. because it was, after all, his 18th birthday.

ev sat silently in the passengers seat after that. his hands over his face and his palms occasionally rubbing his eyes, squishing them back to push the tears away. he trembled and let in little gasps but never let out a sob. he couldn't do this, he couldn't be so sad. it was his birthday, he was mostly free now. it was just him and seth now. ev sniffed in, finding it too hard to look at seth, finding the pain he felt through his mom only something he could've felt through seth's actions. he felt as if he'd somehow cheated by loving someone so close to how much he'd loved seth. and he couldn't just look at him after feeling that. he needed to be strong. because even though his problems were mostly fixed, there was still sadness in the air. w-we should...go," he said shakily and then weakly added, "and we can stay at a hotel tonight."

Convince me that the truth is always grey

template by eliza @ shadowplay

[seth phineas wright]

they say you've got to lose

a couple fights to win

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.tinypic.com/wb98wn.jpg');,true] ... Seth watched Ev the entire time he stood on the door step; watched him ring the bell, wait watched as he spoke to someone on the other side. He knew Ev well enough to know that he was anxious, that he was on the verge of tears. And every fibre of his being yelled at him to run out there and pull him close, to protect and comfort him. But he didn't. Seth sat, frozen, because this was something he couldn't help Ev with; this was something Ev needed to do on his own. And Seth, as much as it hurt him to think there was anything Ev didn't require him for, as much as it hurt for him to think he wasn't the only person Ev needed, understood. This life, here? Seth wasn't a part of it. Seth had been the escape, the sanctuary of sorts. The reassurance that, even at Ev's loneliest, there was somebody he could turn to. But Seth was not Ohio, he was not Ev's parents or Junior, he was not Ev's family. He managed an actual smile when Ev returned to the car. It was sad and sweet and half-broken, but it was a smile and it was all for Ev. "Help... I'm glad she's going to help," he nodded, and he wanted to reach and hug Ev but instead he turned on the engine and drove back down the road, to where Ev told him the court house was. And the smile stayed, the strange calm stayed. He reached to tangle his fingers through Ev's, and he tried his very best not to cry and he didn't even know why he wanted to. And he only let go of Ev's hand to put the vehicle in park, to lean back in his seat and stare at the entrance to the big, foreboding building and to wait. When Ev's mom appeared, Seth went to offer him reassurance, good luck maybe, but then Ev was begging him to come and Seth couldn't, would never, say no. He trailed slightly behind Ev as they entered the court house, glancing only briefly at his mom before turning away, because the sight of her all at once made him feel too guilty and too little. He was a silent, supportive figure throughout the process of paperwork and discussion, and he mostly got lost in his thoughts as everything moved along, though his head was stuck on Ev and Ev's family and his mother, in particular, mothers in general, and it was a wonder he managed to stay there the whole time - but Ev needed him, and Seth wouldn't have left it Ev's father had come in and threatened to beat him to a pulp. It was when they were exiting, when Ev nudged Seth with his elbow, that the moment Seth had been expecting came. He nodded in response to Ev's words, and then added, "I'll be in the car," and he didn't blame him because, if it had been him in Ev's place, he would have done the same thing. And Seth managed to keep from breaking down until he was safely in the van, and then the tears came flooding out and his shoulders shook with sobs and he rested his forehead against the steering wheel and just cried. From the moment Ev had stepped up to that door, all Seth wanted was for everything to somehow be okay, for them to welcome Ev with open arms - to see him disappear inside and to know that he was happy. Safe. Warm. Loved. He wanted everything to be a huge misunderstanding, he wanted them to give Ev everything he deserved. And it had just been his mom, just his mom, and Seth was certain that, if there was anybody Ev could love more than him, it would be her. And he'd watched them at the court house, seen how much Ev took after her, the similarities in their tones and their faces and the way they held themselves. And he'd wondered, what if? What if, somehow, she missed Ev just as much as he missed her? What if this was the moment in which she realized that? And Seth was crying, now, because he wanted her to. He would give anything for her to. What he'd do without Ev, he didn't know, but more than anything he just wanted Ev to be able to have his mom back. He pulled his legs to his chest and curled in the driver's seat, burying his head in his knees, in that safe, dark place where he could calm down. By the time Ev returned, by the time he opened the door, Seth had stopped crying. His eyes were red, cheeks splotchy, and he watched as Ev got in and sat down and buckled his seat belt. And he was just so upset and so angry that Ev was here and not in her car, that Ev was here and not with his family, that Ev's family didn't want him. And he just wanted to hold Ev, but he knew his hug wouldn't be anything like Ev's mom's... and he didn't want to remind Ev of the difference. He put the car in drive, and pulled slowly out of the lot. "Okay," he nodded, voice catching in his throat. The drive was long, and quiet, and even sadder than before. And Seth didn't know what to say; he knew he meant a lot to Ev, he knew he loved Ev, but he also knew that it wasn't enough. That nothing he did would ever be enough to take the place of what a family was supposed to be. SOME WORDS , EV , n

table by california dreaming @ caution 2.0

[EVERETT LEONARDO JEFFERSON]

Console me in my darkest hour

the silence in the drive home was worse than the drive there. ev didn't understand it. he got what he wanted. he could afford paying them by june 18th. but why did this feel so bitter? there was tension of sorts in the air, and ev hoped he'd done nothing to hurt seth. though it was obvious the other was crying, ev couldn't think of any reason seth would be hurt. he wanted to reassure him, he wanted to touch his knee and kiss him and let him know that things will be better soon. but every time ev tried to speak, every time he looked over at those sad, wet eyes and the bags under them with the pale against red clashing tones in his skin, ev couldn't bring himself to speak. he stared out of the window most of the trip.

eventually, they found a hotel. something that was far away from his parents' house and still far away from easton. the comfort in knowing nobody they knew was near was almost enough to cry over itself. nobody was around, nobody to mourn over or miss or to wish you could have said something different the last time you saw them. nobody to say goodbye to. the moment they checked into a room, walking down the windowless hallways with an ugly patterned carpet and unmatching walls, ev held seth's hand. something comforting that he clung desperately to, something he could do, with or without knowing anybody around. they could do this now. and that should be something they were happy about. but it was too hard to be happy, he was too tired to smile.

sliding the card in the lock and walking into the room that was their temporary home pulled a strain out of ev. he felt like they could relax here, as if that very room was a sort of 'cheat' room. where they could ignore the outside world and just be there for each other. because ev hadn't held him through basically a whole state. and as the door clicked behind them, ev turned and buried his face in the most familiar, comfortable spot on seth - the crook of his neck. and his arms squeezed the other against him and he trembled a little bit in both sadness and relief.

the contrast between seth and his moms hugs were only really a little bit different. seth held him with more meaning, like it wasn't a chore. there was love in every breath, every gentle squeeze or playful kiss on the side of his head. the only thing seth lacked was the smell of his mom. everything else was easily replaced. the heartbeat in seth's chest was more exciting. it could beat harder or faster in his chest at some of the things ev could say to him, ev would touch seth a certain way and then their embrace would become something completely different. there was a mutual connection when he held seth - his seth. and that was why ev would chose seth over his mom. because even though seth can't be his mom, ev didn't know what a true mom was like. he didn't understand what it would be like to be fully loved by his parents, and to know the wonderful love he received from this man was more than he could ask for.

ev held on a moment more, nuzzling his nose against seth's neck, breathing in his scent and kissing him there, a very sweet spot no matter what was happening. and he looked up at him. "it's my birthday." he spoke quietly, as if saying something bad. it was bad, though. this was a terrible birthday. to have to say goodbye to his mother, to see that house and be in that town. but at least now, for the next few hours it wouldn't be so bad. it would be just him and seth. and ev wanted nothing else but to be left alone with seth, so they could be themselves again, so he could feel seth's skin and kiss his lips and look in his eyes. being alone with seth meant nothing else was happening in the world, and nobody else was around to pull attention away from one another. seth could listen to everything ev had to say, and ev could listen to what seth was thinking. "i love you." he repeated, resting his head on seth's shoulder with a small, tired sigh.

Convince me that the truth is always grey

template by eliza @ shadowplay

[seth phineas wright]

they say you've got to lose

a couple fights to win

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.tinypic.com/wb98wn.jpg');,true] ... When Ev took Seth's hand, he leaned into him, bumping their shoulders together as they made their way down the ugly hallway. The world was sad and empty, but they still had each other. They always would. If this was the only thing keeping either of them going any more, Seth wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers; he was going to cling to it harder than anything else he'd ever had. It was a morbid, horrible thought, but he knew that - even if he wasn't the only thing ev needed - he was the only thing he had. And he, Seth, was not going to let Ev down like all the rest. The minute they entered the room, the minute Ev's face was buried in the crook of his neck, Seth felt the temporary barrier he'd put around himself crumble away, dissolve completely. He held him tight, and he let out a long, tired breath, as if trying to exhale every ounce of sadness he'd ever felt, as if trying to expel it from its deep-rooted place within him. If only he could scrub all of everything else off of them; if only they could run away. Never go back. They could be so much happier if they never went back. He tangled the fingers of one hand through Ev's hair, holding him as close as he possibly could, rocking him gently. Pressing soft kisses into the top of his head, eyes pressed tight closed, expression one of raw, open pain. This cruel, cold world didn't deserve Ev. And the fact that it had him, that hurt Seth the most. At the feeling of Ev's lips on his skin, Seth's face softened, and he looked down at him felt himself swell with tender adoration, with love in the moment before Ev spoke. At Ev's words, however, a sad sort of joy seeped into his gaze. "Happy birthday," he whispered, and he ran a thumb over Ev's cheek, losing himself in his blue, blue eyes. Maybe they wouldn't make the reservation in time, maybe he'd never had a chance to bake Ev the perfect cake, maybe today wasn't everything it was supposed to be. But they were here, in their escape, and they were together. It always came back to that - together, them against the world. He rested his head on top of Ev's, and he held him tight, and he smiled softly. "I love you, too," he told him firmly, "I will never let you go." SOME WORDS , EV , n

table by california dreaming @ caution 2.0