Post by helena marie adelstein on Mar 9, 2013 20:42:31 GMT -5
[style=background-image: url('http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdlve8kpMM1rd3g5fo1_400.png'); height:300px; width:400px]
so loud inside my head
Helena needed to get away for a day; not really get away from Easton per say but she needed to have a day in which she wouldn't have people asking how she is doing because as far as she is concerned she has no real idea of how she is feeling lately. It was a very complicated question. the normal answer, the one she had come to see got her out of further interrogation was saying she was 'alright', that often got them to be happy. Or she could always say she was doing 'pretty well' although to be honest she was sure those words were by far not true. She wasn't alright, she wasn't doing pretty well either. It seems to work perfectly fine though, what she wanted was everyone to stop asking how she is doing, wondering if she was fine. It had been going rather well, the tears had stopped, the need to lay down and not do anything had passed as well but last night it all came crashing down on her once more. She was unsure if it was because she spoke to Hayden, or because she just remembered it all once more. Her hands had managed to grab the keys to her car, then she walked over to balto and slipped on his collar and leash before walking out of the room. She needs out, but even as she wants to be alone with her thoughts, she needs someone there with her, someone who wouldn't be able to talk back to her and Balto was her choice. While she walked her eyes closed for a second; then opening once she was waiting inside the elevator for it to reach the lower floor. Astrid was always saying how this place was haunted, she kinda wished it was, it would break her out of her thoughts and cause her heart to stop beating for a second. Maybe just for that moment she could break away from it all. The soft crack noise from the elevator hitting the right floor came and she came back to reality, walking out and passing everyone without meeting their eyes, whether she knows them or not she is not going to look; if she sees them she might get to talking, and today she was really just looking to separate herself from the world. Her first idea was to head to the field, but she has no clue how to get there, so why even give it a try? She would only end lost; then there was the lake, the lake was easy enough, and she knows very well which tree to head off too, however it wasn't private enough for her liking. Then the right place came to mind; it almost seemed logic in her mind. It made perfect sense, the old farm. Yet how to get there; Helena's mind struggled to recall how to get there; her legs taking her to her car where she let Chuck into the passenger seat, then she stepped in as well, mind still trying its best to think back on how to get there. No, her mind was never going to give her the right answer and there were only three ways she could go over this. One, just drive and see if she can manage to remember. Two, call Hayden and ask him how to get there; and last, call his mother and ask her. Out of the three, the last one seemed more appealing to her; or no appealing but, doable.
After a long debate inside her head, many times of selecting Hayden's mom cell phone number on her phone and then deleting it she finally was strong enough to make the call. It was meant to be a quick thing, just ask, get an answer and hang up. Helena should have known better than to assume the other woman would want that; with strenght beyond her understanding she managed to keep up the conversation without breaking down. Her knuckles were white from holding on to the wheel too tight, as if trying to grip herself to calmness and reality. "Thank you so much; yes I will be careful, it was nice talking to you as well" her hand almost threw the phone away, but instead she set it nicely on the seat beside her. Instructions written inside her head as she began to drive out of the parking lot, soon leaving the Academies behind her. As she glanced back through the review mirror she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to just leave it all behind for good. Would it really hurt that much to keep driving until there was no turning back? Would leaving to never come back be such a bad thing? Very slowly she felt it, the feelings that linked her back to that place; almost as if they were fibers sewed to her; tugging every other second as if to remind her she was unable to leave this place. It wasn't right; to feel tied up to a place, to know that no matter how hard she tried she would fall back to the same spot. That is the reason why she is going to do this, she just need to be able to be alone, without any fear of someone walking in on her and seeing her breaking down. Sure they might be able to help; but hearing one more person say to her "It will be alright" or "You could do better" or even "Just forget about him" will truly cause her to want to be done with this place. No it will not be just alright, no she can't do better, and there is absolutely not way for her to just forget about him. Hell everyone else might be able to do it, she even wishes that she could; but its not that easy for her.
The drive was done without even music on; music was always a solace for her, including dancing but lately she had to force herself to enjoy either of those things. When dancing no longer helps her move on from whatever thing happening in her life is when she knows she needs to do something else because it is getting too serious. The old building came into view soon enough and she felt it again, that oh so familiar oppression on her chest that made her want to break down. Was this wrong? Maybe it was wrong for her to come to this place, maybe she was doing a huge mistake and would never forgive herself for it. No, she was already here, it would be a waste of her time to just turn the car around. "You can do this Helena... you need to do this..." the voice was soft, and as she parked the car she looked around, sulked on her seat and stared at the building. "Come on Balto" she spoke to the dog before opening the door with a sense of determination. Nothing was helping her; her legs felt like butter and her hands were tingling, shaking even as she walked; balto following her close by; as if almost afraid to move away from her. Although he seemed pretty alright with this place as well. Helena took a few seconds to watch him sniff around before pushing with all of her strenght to open the large door. It looked different from when she came here; she guessed it had another effect when you are here at night under different circumstances. That day it had seemed magical, comforting even. Today it seemed sad and lonely, truly being able to see how the years had come crashing down on the structure. The girl walked further in, reaching the center and glancing around. His words were just echoing inside her head, going over and over, drilling inside her head up until the point where she had to press her hands to her temples to make it stop. Helena wasn't certain what was hurting her the most, hearing his voice with the words he told her that day, or hearing the words he had said a few weeks ago. They both sent a piercing pain through her, actual physical pain which was making her body tremble with all the emotions. Stop it, please stop it her brain begged; she wasn't here to hear his voice again; she was here to hear her own voice, to have a chat with herself and figure out what needs to be done. What needs to be set it motion.
Movement, yes that is what she needs. Her arms dropped and she began to pace, Balto slowly following her with a soft of confused look upon him. Helena reached the little ladder, eyes looking up and she didn't even hesitated before starting to head up. She could hear every single person she knows and is friends with telling her "Be careful" dear lord she was always careful; it wasn't like she decided to go ahead and do dangerous things. Without stopping she continued and then finally reached the top, tapping with her foot to test the surface before walking and finally coming to a halt at the window. There was nothing near by, everything here was alone. It seemed to suit her mood. She sat down and rested her back against the wall; finally letting her mind do what it had come here to do. First came the wonder. Why. Why had she suddenly been not enough for him? Where did she went wrong to cause him to stop? She knows what he says; that he still loves her, just not in the same way, that he still cares about her but in a more brotherly way. Yes, fine, she can hear him say that but, why. When? When did it all began to change, when did he so suddenly decided it was different and why, for heaven's sake why did he not stopped it before it kept going further. Whether her next thoughts were right or wrong, it is what she has come to believe, and maybe she should have talked to Hayden about it but she didn't because a confirmation would only make it worse. Was it because she wasn't good enough? There was always a part of Helena that wondered why someone like Hayden would want her; he could do so much better than her. What did she had in her favor? A somewhat good intelligence? That she was able to dance? that is where she draws the line she assumed. Reading the Gossip blog had not been a smart move on her; did he really went to celebrate the next day? She guessed it was in order, but what made her feel even worse was the blonde comment. Does that have anything to do with it? Was her hair color a factor? Maybe he just wasn't attracted to her anymore, maybe she wasn't as pretty as he said, maybe she just wasn't doing it right. She assumes those girls were more his style; they were by far prettier than she is, they probably have a more similar mentality; they could keep him interested, better personality. Her eyes watered up and she pulled her legs up to her chest, hugging them before resting her forehead on her arms and letting the tears come out. Yes, maybe she had always been shooting for the stars, for the best, and the best just has nothing to do with the average.
There was a shrieking sound and she looked up, most likely from the wind and she just sighed. Was she really crying again? How many times was she going to cry? It was silly to be crying this late in the game. Has Hayden cried? No, of course not, he wouldn't. Has he been this depressed? nope, of course not, why would he? He was perfectly fine, he was back to being who he was. Its not like she wants him to be sad, not at all. In fact, she is not comparing his reaction to hers; but rather, she is comparing hers to his, to what hers should be like. God how she wishes it was so simple for her as well; he made it look so easy. You break up, you move on with your life. Simple as that; no pain needed. Was there a key to that? Some secret she doesn't know off? Maybe she ought to ask him; because he looks so happy, less stressed out. Well, damn, was she the one making hm stressed and unhappy? Thank god he left her then, if she was in fact the reason behind it. Why couldn't this be a fairy tale? In this moment she could go, find a potion and have that get rid of all of her feelings. Just, have them erased, gone, she no longer wants them. This isn't too much in her mind; just enough for her to like him the way she did when they first met; when she saw him as a potential friend; that then escalated to friends, but it was the quick jump from friends to crush what she wants to have taken away. If you break that link then you are good to go. Then she can be back to being his friend without cringing and crying at the thought of him being with someone else. Yes, bottom line, she wishes to be like him. But this was not a fairy tale; and there was no potion. No magical fix. Just endless pain. Would it be wrong to ask him? Would it be rude to go up to him and say "Hey, how do you do it? How did you stopped loving me? because I need to stop loving you, I just need to stop being so depressed, I need to stop feeling like my heart is being crushed every time I see you talk to someone else, or hear a comment about you....I need to know how to stop loving you" ? well... she could probably lose a few parts out of that. Yet the basic is there. "Please tell me how to stop loving you?" yeah, that sounded better. Not that she would ever have the guts to tell him. Maybe the problem was that he was just not easy to forget while she was easily that. Heck, he did it while they were in a relationship, yup, that sums it up. She was easy to forget. So, so far she has, not pretty enough and easy to forget. Maybe instead of crying she should be grateful that he stocked around with her as long as he did. Most have been difficult to do it.
Very slowly she stood up, glancing back out the window to see that it was getting late, the sun will probably set soon and she shouldn't be out alone in the dark. While she began to move down she couldn't help but hear everyone voices inside her head. Be careful. At this rate she felt like everyone here thought she was stupid and unable to do something on her own. Yes she might like to walk, walking is not a bad thing; sure sometimes it happened to be at night but she always has her phone in case of an emergency, she keeps the pepper spray Hayden bought her on her purse all the time. Its not like she is going in blind. Does she takes the stairs? Twice, only because she was running late, and the second the elevator was too crowded for her to use. Because despite it all, she knows Hayden wouldn't like her using the stairs. Probably. Would he even care? Yeah he would. Is she using the car? Yes, is she using the bike? Yes. Is she calling people and asking for a ride when she can't do it herself? Yes. So why don't they see that? She has never felt so useless and insignificant until she arrived at this school. She knows they care, she knows they mean well but why can't she do things on her own? Not even from Hayden but before that; in fact she is pretty sure that was one of the reasons Hayden broke up with her. For God's sake she tried to do things on her own, he was the one who didn't wanted her too. She never needed a babysitter, she needed him to trust her. To trust her instinct, to just know she wasn't as weak as everyone seemed to think; he out of everyone should have noticed that. She doesn't have to curse, or have a fight to be strong. Sure she is emotional, she would never deny that, sure she cries often but crying is not weakness. Wasn't she out here, living on her own, before she met Hayden? Wasn't she able to buy her things, go on errands, go sky diving, staying fit, helping others? Wasn't she? What part of that reads weak and frail? What part? She wants someone to come and pinpoint it.
Helena took a deep breath as she walked over to Balto. "Hey, we are going to be alright" she said to him with a small smile. She has to be alright; she is never going to stop loving him, that wasn't possible, but she could learn to live with it. Before she was with him she recalls telling Santana that she would rather be his friend than nothing. That still stands, if all she can hope for is being his friend then she is going to do that, she still wants him to be in her life. To not speak to him would make this even worse. Sure she guesses it would always hurt to see him with someone else, but she can manage to get through it, she did that before she was with him, how bad can it be do to it after wards? Worse, definitely worse, but doable. There will always be a sad spot in her heart from now on, adding on to the others, little cracks that will remain. She hardly thinks her heart was ever truly complete, ever since she could remember there was a crack, so Hayden didn't break it, he just added another one. She never would have expected it to happen, not from him at least, but it wasn't like he intended for it to happen. It just did, and if she can learn to live with the others than a new one shouldn't make much of a difference. Helena moved to pet Balto before walking to the door, she turned to look inside and smiled sadly. Helena was going to make her best to try and go back to that person she used to be when she got here, the one who she could recognize, the one who will do everything she wants; show them she is not as weak and frail as everyone seems to think. She can do this. With a nod of her head she turned around, stepping outside with the images of the last time she was here playing at the back of her mind. This was absolutely different from that time, everything had changed and now, now she needed to start all over. One way or another. Helena went back to the car, started it and drove away, feeling like she was letting part of herself behind. Probably the most important one in her life.
[/style]After a long debate inside her head, many times of selecting Hayden's mom cell phone number on her phone and then deleting it she finally was strong enough to make the call. It was meant to be a quick thing, just ask, get an answer and hang up. Helena should have known better than to assume the other woman would want that; with strenght beyond her understanding she managed to keep up the conversation without breaking down. Her knuckles were white from holding on to the wheel too tight, as if trying to grip herself to calmness and reality. "Thank you so much; yes I will be careful, it was nice talking to you as well" her hand almost threw the phone away, but instead she set it nicely on the seat beside her. Instructions written inside her head as she began to drive out of the parking lot, soon leaving the Academies behind her. As she glanced back through the review mirror she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to just leave it all behind for good. Would it really hurt that much to keep driving until there was no turning back? Would leaving to never come back be such a bad thing? Very slowly she felt it, the feelings that linked her back to that place; almost as if they were fibers sewed to her; tugging every other second as if to remind her she was unable to leave this place. It wasn't right; to feel tied up to a place, to know that no matter how hard she tried she would fall back to the same spot. That is the reason why she is going to do this, she just need to be able to be alone, without any fear of someone walking in on her and seeing her breaking down. Sure they might be able to help; but hearing one more person say to her "It will be alright" or "You could do better" or even "Just forget about him" will truly cause her to want to be done with this place. No it will not be just alright, no she can't do better, and there is absolutely not way for her to just forget about him. Hell everyone else might be able to do it, she even wishes that she could; but its not that easy for her.
The drive was done without even music on; music was always a solace for her, including dancing but lately she had to force herself to enjoy either of those things. When dancing no longer helps her move on from whatever thing happening in her life is when she knows she needs to do something else because it is getting too serious. The old building came into view soon enough and she felt it again, that oh so familiar oppression on her chest that made her want to break down. Was this wrong? Maybe it was wrong for her to come to this place, maybe she was doing a huge mistake and would never forgive herself for it. No, she was already here, it would be a waste of her time to just turn the car around. "You can do this Helena... you need to do this..." the voice was soft, and as she parked the car she looked around, sulked on her seat and stared at the building. "Come on Balto" she spoke to the dog before opening the door with a sense of determination. Nothing was helping her; her legs felt like butter and her hands were tingling, shaking even as she walked; balto following her close by; as if almost afraid to move away from her. Although he seemed pretty alright with this place as well. Helena took a few seconds to watch him sniff around before pushing with all of her strenght to open the large door. It looked different from when she came here; she guessed it had another effect when you are here at night under different circumstances. That day it had seemed magical, comforting even. Today it seemed sad and lonely, truly being able to see how the years had come crashing down on the structure. The girl walked further in, reaching the center and glancing around. His words were just echoing inside her head, going over and over, drilling inside her head up until the point where she had to press her hands to her temples to make it stop. Helena wasn't certain what was hurting her the most, hearing his voice with the words he told her that day, or hearing the words he had said a few weeks ago. They both sent a piercing pain through her, actual physical pain which was making her body tremble with all the emotions. Stop it, please stop it her brain begged; she wasn't here to hear his voice again; she was here to hear her own voice, to have a chat with herself and figure out what needs to be done. What needs to be set it motion.
Movement, yes that is what she needs. Her arms dropped and she began to pace, Balto slowly following her with a soft of confused look upon him. Helena reached the little ladder, eyes looking up and she didn't even hesitated before starting to head up. She could hear every single person she knows and is friends with telling her "Be careful" dear lord she was always careful; it wasn't like she decided to go ahead and do dangerous things. Without stopping she continued and then finally reached the top, tapping with her foot to test the surface before walking and finally coming to a halt at the window. There was nothing near by, everything here was alone. It seemed to suit her mood. She sat down and rested her back against the wall; finally letting her mind do what it had come here to do. First came the wonder. Why. Why had she suddenly been not enough for him? Where did she went wrong to cause him to stop? She knows what he says; that he still loves her, just not in the same way, that he still cares about her but in a more brotherly way. Yes, fine, she can hear him say that but, why. When? When did it all began to change, when did he so suddenly decided it was different and why, for heaven's sake why did he not stopped it before it kept going further. Whether her next thoughts were right or wrong, it is what she has come to believe, and maybe she should have talked to Hayden about it but she didn't because a confirmation would only make it worse. Was it because she wasn't good enough? There was always a part of Helena that wondered why someone like Hayden would want her; he could do so much better than her. What did she had in her favor? A somewhat good intelligence? That she was able to dance? that is where she draws the line she assumed. Reading the Gossip blog had not been a smart move on her; did he really went to celebrate the next day? She guessed it was in order, but what made her feel even worse was the blonde comment. Does that have anything to do with it? Was her hair color a factor? Maybe he just wasn't attracted to her anymore, maybe she wasn't as pretty as he said, maybe she just wasn't doing it right. She assumes those girls were more his style; they were by far prettier than she is, they probably have a more similar mentality; they could keep him interested, better personality. Her eyes watered up and she pulled her legs up to her chest, hugging them before resting her forehead on her arms and letting the tears come out. Yes, maybe she had always been shooting for the stars, for the best, and the best just has nothing to do with the average.
There was a shrieking sound and she looked up, most likely from the wind and she just sighed. Was she really crying again? How many times was she going to cry? It was silly to be crying this late in the game. Has Hayden cried? No, of course not, he wouldn't. Has he been this depressed? nope, of course not, why would he? He was perfectly fine, he was back to being who he was. Its not like she wants him to be sad, not at all. In fact, she is not comparing his reaction to hers; but rather, she is comparing hers to his, to what hers should be like. God how she wishes it was so simple for her as well; he made it look so easy. You break up, you move on with your life. Simple as that; no pain needed. Was there a key to that? Some secret she doesn't know off? Maybe she ought to ask him; because he looks so happy, less stressed out. Well, damn, was she the one making hm stressed and unhappy? Thank god he left her then, if she was in fact the reason behind it. Why couldn't this be a fairy tale? In this moment she could go, find a potion and have that get rid of all of her feelings. Just, have them erased, gone, she no longer wants them. This isn't too much in her mind; just enough for her to like him the way she did when they first met; when she saw him as a potential friend; that then escalated to friends, but it was the quick jump from friends to crush what she wants to have taken away. If you break that link then you are good to go. Then she can be back to being his friend without cringing and crying at the thought of him being with someone else. Yes, bottom line, she wishes to be like him. But this was not a fairy tale; and there was no potion. No magical fix. Just endless pain. Would it be wrong to ask him? Would it be rude to go up to him and say "Hey, how do you do it? How did you stopped loving me? because I need to stop loving you, I just need to stop being so depressed, I need to stop feeling like my heart is being crushed every time I see you talk to someone else, or hear a comment about you....I need to know how to stop loving you" ? well... she could probably lose a few parts out of that. Yet the basic is there. "Please tell me how to stop loving you?" yeah, that sounded better. Not that she would ever have the guts to tell him. Maybe the problem was that he was just not easy to forget while she was easily that. Heck, he did it while they were in a relationship, yup, that sums it up. She was easy to forget. So, so far she has, not pretty enough and easy to forget. Maybe instead of crying she should be grateful that he stocked around with her as long as he did. Most have been difficult to do it.
Very slowly she stood up, glancing back out the window to see that it was getting late, the sun will probably set soon and she shouldn't be out alone in the dark. While she began to move down she couldn't help but hear everyone voices inside her head. Be careful. At this rate she felt like everyone here thought she was stupid and unable to do something on her own. Yes she might like to walk, walking is not a bad thing; sure sometimes it happened to be at night but she always has her phone in case of an emergency, she keeps the pepper spray Hayden bought her on her purse all the time. Its not like she is going in blind. Does she takes the stairs? Twice, only because she was running late, and the second the elevator was too crowded for her to use. Because despite it all, she knows Hayden wouldn't like her using the stairs. Probably. Would he even care? Yeah he would. Is she using the car? Yes, is she using the bike? Yes. Is she calling people and asking for a ride when she can't do it herself? Yes. So why don't they see that? She has never felt so useless and insignificant until she arrived at this school. She knows they care, she knows they mean well but why can't she do things on her own? Not even from Hayden but before that; in fact she is pretty sure that was one of the reasons Hayden broke up with her. For God's sake she tried to do things on her own, he was the one who didn't wanted her too. She never needed a babysitter, she needed him to trust her. To trust her instinct, to just know she wasn't as weak as everyone seemed to think; he out of everyone should have noticed that. She doesn't have to curse, or have a fight to be strong. Sure she is emotional, she would never deny that, sure she cries often but crying is not weakness. Wasn't she out here, living on her own, before she met Hayden? Wasn't she able to buy her things, go on errands, go sky diving, staying fit, helping others? Wasn't she? What part of that reads weak and frail? What part? She wants someone to come and pinpoint it.
Helena took a deep breath as she walked over to Balto. "Hey, we are going to be alright" she said to him with a small smile. She has to be alright; she is never going to stop loving him, that wasn't possible, but she could learn to live with it. Before she was with him she recalls telling Santana that she would rather be his friend than nothing. That still stands, if all she can hope for is being his friend then she is going to do that, she still wants him to be in her life. To not speak to him would make this even worse. Sure she guesses it would always hurt to see him with someone else, but she can manage to get through it, she did that before she was with him, how bad can it be do to it after wards? Worse, definitely worse, but doable. There will always be a sad spot in her heart from now on, adding on to the others, little cracks that will remain. She hardly thinks her heart was ever truly complete, ever since she could remember there was a crack, so Hayden didn't break it, he just added another one. She never would have expected it to happen, not from him at least, but it wasn't like he intended for it to happen. It just did, and if she can learn to live with the others than a new one shouldn't make much of a difference. Helena moved to pet Balto before walking to the door, she turned to look inside and smiled sadly. Helena was going to make her best to try and go back to that person she used to be when she got here, the one who she could recognize, the one who will do everything she wants; show them she is not as weak and frail as everyone seems to think. She can do this. With a nod of her head she turned around, stepping outside with the images of the last time she was here playing at the back of her mind. This was absolutely different from that time, everything had changed and now, now she needed to start all over. One way or another. Helena went back to the car, started it and drove away, feeling like she was letting part of herself behind. Probably the most important one in her life.
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