Post by fitz01 on Mar 8, 2013 23:18:15 GMT -5
(suicidal thoughts and stuff)
I had thought about it for a while. Ever since he left, ever since I was given that sign that this was what was meant to happen, I had thought about it and how I was going to go about it and I mulled over every excruciating detail right down to who would be the lucky recipient of the tape. I had thought about it for a while, and, today, I was going to stop thinking.
I woke up and laid there for a few minutes staring up at the ceiling, finding every little shape there was to be found in the popcorn ceiling, finding any reason not to go to class. I wasn’t feeling well: truth, but I hadn’t been feeling well for a long time, so why is today any different? I had just been through a great loss: truth, but so had the world, so why should I be exempt from the hellish nightmare school had become? I heaved myself up, sitting there and looking at the foot of my bed for another minute, trying to drag out time. Maybe there was still a sliver of hopeful dreamer in me for thinking that would ever work. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. I finally got out of bed and I watched the way my feet hit the floor and, for a moment, I liked the way they did it. It was stupid, but, even though I hated my body, I was still in awe of how these two weak things like my skinny feet could hold me up for extended periods of time. I make my way to the bathroom and flip the light on and am immediately met with what I know is my own reflection, but I don’t know this girl. She is worn-looking, dark circles underneath her eyes and those eyes were devoid of any light that they once held. She looks as though she has given up - this was the fact that made me think that maybe we were the same person after all. With a heavy sigh, I put on the makeup like I did every morning. Even though I knew the truth, that didn’t mean everyone else needed to be aware. They needed for me to be okay. I needed to be okay for them and I have let them down.
But I can still play the part, just this last time.
Once I had finished covering the imperfections on my face, looking somewhat presentable, I put on my deodorant pulled my hair back and fixed my fringe. I walk over to my closet and pull out my uniform, laying it gently on my bed where it waited for me to strip out of my sleepwear and into a new pair of underwear - my best lace ones. After all, today was a special occasion - and a bra -it matches my underwear. Everything needed to be perfect. I put on my uniform and stare at myself in the mirror. Now, this was the girl everyone was accustomed to - well-put together, happy, okay. This is the one they wanted, not who I had become. Another sigh and I put the CD in my backpack, in the front so my books won’t crush it or scratch it, and I sling the strap over my shoulder and I was off to school, forgoing any breakfast.
I won’t be needing it.
It was a short walk to my first class, but I took my sweet time. I let the cold wind blow my hair and the sun warm my back and it was a comforting feeling, oddly enough. The birds were out and singing and some poor, unfortunate flowers were blooming, not knowing that the late frost would come to wipe them out. Maybe I wasn’t really that girl in the mirror. I look at my phone for the time - twenty minutes until homeroom. I didn’t want to sit in that room without the teacher there, not with all of those judgmental girls with their unwanted, unnecessary opinions about me and how I must be feeling and their ‘bless your heart’s that were as fake as the nails they glued on their fingers. So, to pass the time, I just sat on the edge of the sidewalk, facing toward the sun, letting it caress and warm my face. I wanted to enjoy this moment just the right amount - if I enjoyed it too much, I might get cold feet and if I enjoyed it too little, well, that would be a waste in my opinion. I didn’t allow myself to think of much beyond how nice the sun was. I was done thinking.
Soon I was in homeroom and the girls around me avoided my gaze when I happened to look at them. Maybe they didn’t want me to know they pitied me. Their shame isn’t unfounded; they can keep their pity. I have pitied myself enough for a lifetime. After what felt like an eternity staring forward, my next class - geometry - came and I just focused on my math. I made a 100 on the exam I hadn’t studied for. Today was turning out to truly be a red letter day. Theology was next and we discussed Calvinism. Little impact was had on me, but that was never the point of this class, I don’t think. I already knew all I needed to know to know that I was beyond saving. Lunch was almost torturous. I had considered eating something - my stomach growled and growled at me, but its intimidation tactics weren’t going to work. I was going to do the same as I had for breakfast. I sat at the table with my friends and smiled when looked at, nodded where appropriate, and laughed when everyone else laughed.
It was on my way to study hall that I ran into an unexpected snag and that snag was named Aileen Westlick. I never had a problem with her before, only seeing her in the music room mostly, but she approached me and I unhooked my thumbs from my backpack straps and looked up at her. “So sorry to hear about your boyfriend, Ellalu. You must be devastated ” Her voice dripped with sarcasm and it was not lost on me. I ball my fists and stare her down without a smile on my face. “I appreciate the feigning of concern, but kindly fuck off.” She looked surprised. Of course she would - I never curse and rarely stand up for myself. And in the next moment, a smirk came onto that annoying face of hers. “Only dead two weeks and I hear you’ve been out with that one pathetic-looking boy…Tommy, is it? Way to hold a candle for your man.” I didn’t hesitate to punch her square in the jaw.
I had to be pulled off of her after she went down and I was immediately sent to the principal’s office. This was not going to plan at all. I sat in the chair across from her and stared at her mouth while she talked, wondering what kind of moisturizer she used on them because they looked especially shiny. “Ellalu! Are you paying attention to a thing I’m saying?” I looked up at her eyes. “Of course I am.”
“Okay, then what did I just say?”
“….” Sigh. “I’m not certain.”
“You cannot go around hitting students all willy-nilly like that. Aileen could have been seriously hurt -“
“That was the point.”
”- And YOU could have been in major trouble, but, as it were, she will be fine, but I’m concerned about you. Why would you do this? What’s wrong with you?”
I look down at the ground, ashamed. Tears were starting to form and I didn’t need for her to see this weakness.
“I know you’ve been to see the counselor I also know what had gone on just recently and I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but that is no excuse to hit another peer.”
“I know.”
“Then you’ll understand that I have to give you two days’ suspension.”
I looked up at her and stifled a laugh.
“What do you find so humorous, Ms. Constantine?”
“Suspension. It’s a little late for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
I stayed put in her office as she went out into the reception area where they were searching through my backpack. It was school policy to search a troublemaker, just to be safe. You never knew when the crazies would come out of the woodwork here nowadays, what with all the deaths. She came in and my heart sank as she held the CD wedged between her thumb and her index finger. “What is this, Ella?”
“It’s a mixed CD.”
She looked at me as she opened the CD and placed it into her computer.
“STOP IT! That’s private!”
“if it’s just a mixed CD, I don’t see why I can’t have a listen.”
“Because it’s not meant for you!”
But it was too late. The media player popped up and I could hear myself over the recording. I hang my head and listen.
“To all who listen to this, I am sorry. I have been the worst person in the world to try and love and I won’t be burdening you with that chore for much longer. This isn’t all about Brody, before you start to wonder why. I’ve been this way for a while, ya know? Depressed, upset, sad, whatever you wanna say. I mean, yeah, Brody was my sign that this was what I was meant to do, but his dying wasn’t the only thing to have happened. I’ll spare you the details. Ma, pa, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t raise me to be this pathetic excuse for a human being; I did this to myself. You deserve a better daughter and, Frankie, you deserve a better sister. This isn’t your fault, any of you.
Tommy - Tommo - I’m sorry. I’m sorry for bringing you into this time bomb of a friendship, I’m sorry for putting my feelings on you when I did. You know you’re one of my favorite people, Captain. I hope you stay the way you are. Don’t be like me. Rose, I am so incredibly sorry for never being there when you might have needed me. I’m sorry for being a crappy roommate and an even crappier friend. I hope you find a bowtie that fits.” I can practically hear myself smiling through my tears. “Frankie, there aren’t any words I can say to express how sorry I am for doing this to you. You have Thatch, though. You’ll be alright, I know you will, in time. I’m sorry for being a burden. So, so sorry. ” The water works start getting worse on the video. It was an ugly cry. I can tell by the way I struggle to take a breath. “To all of my friends, I am so sorry. I couldn’t even name you all in this without dragging it out and I’m just, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not-not an articulate person so I’ll just move on.” I can hear the piano start and a piece I had practiced over and over and over since before Brody died started to play - Beyonce’s “I Was Here”. Once the song was over, I felt the principal’s eyes on me. I smile weakly.
“That song is accurate, you know. I was here.”
Not anymore. Not for long.